Am I a burden?

If you’ve been reading my blog for some time now you’ll probably know of Mrs K but for those who are new, she’s my guidance teacher at school. We have a really good relationship and she literally saved my life one time, so all-in-all she’s a pretty good egg. But recently she’s been kind of getting me down.

I came back to school after summer, two days after a bit of an incident and it’s reasonable that she would be worried. We’re only about 2 weeks in to the school term so that worry has not yet subsided.

We have a safety plan put in place when I’m at school to make sure I don’t get myself in to any kind of danger (and to keep the school right😛).

It’s pretty strict. Wait, scrub that, it’s very strict so there’s a lot I’m not allowed to do. I’m not to leave school during free periods; go to music at break, lunch or free periods; be in music practice rooms alone during class time or even go in and out of the school at the beginning and end of the day without signing in and telling Mrs K that I’m doing so.

It’s exhausting. I really struggle when I feel like I’m doing something wrong and when there’s so many rules, there’s so many rules you could break on accident. It’s killing me.

But recently it’s gotten even worse. My music teacher, Mrs B, and I have always been quite close. We get along well and she’s been a great support to me over the years.

But recently Mrs K’s been talking as if I’m a burden on her. Saying things like “leave her alone” for the first few days of term and “don’t mention” this that and the next thing to her. She says she needs to “protect her”

Do you know how hurtful it is when someone is “protecting” someone from you. I’m not evil, I’m not a disease, she doesn’t need protected. I’m not out to get her. I’m simply trying to muddle though my life and yes, sometimes I get things wrong but who doesn’t? It doesn’t mean that people need to keep their distance from me

I’m not dangerous. I’m not damaging. I don’t appreciate being made to feel like I am.

So if anyone has any experience with feeling like a burden could you drop your tips in the comments please👇🏻

M xx

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I’m alive

Wind rushes through my flowing hair. Sun glows on my skin.

People talk and laugh. The wind whirrs in my ears.

My jumper is soft on my arms. My leggings make my cut legs sting.

I taste cold fresh water and melting soft chocolate.

I smell weed in the big city and bathboms from Lush just up the street.

I’m alive

24 hours ago my messy hair rested on a pillow. The rain battered off of the windows.

Machines beep in my ears. People scream up the hall.

The hospital bed was soft beneath me. The needle hurt my arm.

I could still taste paracetamol. I was given a plastic cup of lukewarm water.

I smelt that clinical smell. The smell of big white rooms with shiny surfaces

What a difference 24 hours can make.

M xx

I hate that I can’t hate self harm.

⚠️trigger warning – self harm⚠️

Disclaimer – I am not supporting self harm. I am simply writing down something that my mind was wandering on.


There. I said it.

I can’t hate self harm. I want to, I really do but it’s just so addictive. Sometimes I feel it’s my only real friend. Sometimes I feel it’s my only real enemy.

I’ve been clean from any major self harm for just over a month. I’ve scratched myself with various items around my room but nothing that’s drawn blood.

Part of me is really proud of how long I’ve lasted. The other part…not so much.

There’s a huge part of me that still, even after all my efforts, can’t see self harm as a bad thing. However, this only applies when it’s me doing it. It breaks my heart to know about friends who are self harming yet when it’s me, it feels okay.

I get annoyed at my therapists when they say it’s a bad thing. I mean, it helps me and I don’t get the guilt that usually goes along with it. I’m struggling, I cut, I feel better, I get on with my day. I don’t find myself ruminating for hours or hating myself like I used to.

When I was younger the aftermath felt awful. I had so much regret, so much guilt. I felt like I had failed myself and everyone else. But now, I’m free from all that. So is it really that bad?

I feel like the thing that makes self harm negative as a whole is the mental side of it. It’s not the actual injuries when you self harm like I do. (I understand that for some people, the injuries are pretty serious and that’s the main concern but mine aren’t too deep.) If you were to fall and end up with those cuts, nobody would think it was all that bad. But the guilt and the hate, that’s the bit that truly hurts.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s bad. I know it’s bad. You shouldn’t have to physically hurt yourself to get out of emotional pain but it can be hard, at times, to see that. But what I want is to feel like it’s bad.

I want to be able to say it’s wrong without feeling like I’m lying to myself. To be proud of how long I’ve gone without it and not to just wish for it back.

I don’t want to be self harm’s best friend.

I don’t want to be it’s bitch.

Self harm says “cut” and I say “how deep?”

Not anymore. Now I say no. I say I’ve had enough. I have enough scars, enough tears, enough of you, self harm.

It will be hard but one day, I will hate you back.

M xx

I’m angry at the world.

I feel really angry today. It’s unusual for me because anger isn’t an emotion I’m used to but today, it’s strong.

I’m angry at society for the way we view mental illness. Im angry that I’m “different” because I experience something that 1 in 4 of us have.

Mental illness is more common than having blue eyes. It’s more common than being left handed. It’s really not something rare enough to excuse the lack of understanding we have about it.

The amount of extra shit people with mental health issues go through (on top of their illness) because of the stigma attached to mental health problems is ridiculous.

But I can’t just sit here and be angry. I feel that this has gone far enough and I need to take action. Here’s how I’m going to do it

  1. Songs I’m going to continue to write songs inspired by my experiences with mental health issues but instead of hiding them away from the world, I’m going to share them.
  2. Blog posts – I’m going to try to write more blog posts that break down stigma and give people information, alongside my vents and creative posts
  3. Sharing my story – I’m going to make an effort to talk more openly about my mental health in every day life. It’s one thing to share it here, with the people who read my blog but it’s another ball game entirely to share it with people who I know in real life. I truly believe that the only way we can move forward as a society is when people start to talk about this in a normal, yet still respectful way.

So yeah, I’m angry… but not for long

M xx

I’m depressed today.

I’m depressed today. And that’s okay.

I’m not getting much from life right now. Everything feels quite pointless. If I start my day in bed and end up there at night, what’s the point in getting up?

I’m tearful and tired. I’m messy and melancholy. The world is foggy and fake.

But it’s okay.

I’m allowed to feel this way. Sure, it’s hard and annoying but it can’t last forever. I’ll smile again. There will be good again. There’s good today. I just can’t quite see it. and in the meantime I’ll get on with my day.

M xx


Update:

I wrote this in the morning and it’s now 3:22. I’ve learnt that sometimes when your body and mind say “I need a slow day in bed”, you need a slow day in bed.

The solution isn’t always to ‘make your own magic’ or ‘push for what you want’ sometimes it’s listen to your body!

But hey, good for me for trying.

M xx

I’m doing well tag.

I’m doing well.

I’m doing well because I’m trying.

I’m doing well because I’ve not given up.

I’m doing well because I’m still here.

I think for people with mental health problems it can be really hard to acknowledge our own progress. We can feel like if we take a step forward we’re just waiting for the two back. Or like if we get even slightly better all our support will fall away and people won’t understand if we dip again.

Over the next wee while, I want to practice commending myself for the slow progress I’m making so here’s a list of my recent achievements

  1. I had a shower
  2. Did my skincare routine
  3. Got back in touch with a good friend
  4. Had a full day out
  5. Didn’t cut for over a month!

I would encourage you all to do this and really acknowledge your progress. We could also make this a tag?

If you’re nominated you should list at least 5 of your recent accomplishments and tag your post #I’m doing well tag. It doesn’t matter how big or small – a tiny step forward is still a step forward

I’m tagging my friend M, the author of the awesome blog, imdoingitdaybyday!

She’s new to blogging but she’s going to be writing about her own experiences with mental illness. I’m sure she would really appreciate you following her – she’s a great gal❤️

If anyone else would like to do this tag please feel free! Can’t wait to read them

Take care, M xx

To the person who took one step forward and two back

It’s okay.

It’s okay to slip sometimes, even if it’s in a big way. You are stronger than you think and you can do this. I’m not saying it’s easy, god, it’s really bloody hard. You’ll cry, you’ll give up on yourself, you’ll feel like it’s too much. But it’s not. Remember that. And one day this will all just be a memory. A story that you’ll tell someone, and that will become part of their survival guide.

I’ve been in this place and I know it’s pretty likely that I’ll be there again at some point. I know how hard it is. But i also know how important it is not to give up. Life has ups and downs, for some people they’re harsher than for others but there are ups and there are downs. The good thing is that there will always be ups. even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I know that it sucks when you take one step forward and two back but remember; your journey has more than three steps. This shitty place that you’re in just now is not your destination. You will take more steps, some forward and some back but the important thing is that you’re moving.

If you were circling the base of a huge mountain you wouldn’t be getting any closer to the top. but if you change direction by just 1 degree you will start to climb. It’ll be slow progress and sometimes you will slip but you will be moving in the right direction and that’s what’s really important.

Moral of the story, don’t be too harsh on yourself. You’ll move forward, you’ll move back but at least you’re moving. And i, for one, am proud of you. Because i know how hard this is and the very fact that you’re fighting this every day is an awesome achievement.

M xx